In India, you generally don’t make a big fuss about it & accept your fate. Be it arranged or love, you’ll get married and that will be it. You don’t read too much into the situation. You even start making compromises even before actually taking those circles around the fire. Basically, once your parents are involved, there’s no going back. Only looking forward. Way into the future. And you have little say in it all. Like my dad mentioned it to me sometime back: you selected the guy now let us select/decide other things.
I always was very uncomfortable with the whole setup though. My parents, my boyfriend all saw me matured enough to take the plunge, I on the other hand was comfortably ignoring everyone. Things started moving faster once he told his family about us. They too, wanted him to just do it. And then while vising home, 3 days in and my parents had already brought up “It’s time” conversation about 100 times, I blurted out his name in front of them. Slowly, and I mean really slowly, for the next week the realization of what happened that day sank in. For my parents, things just got real. They had hoped for something like Yes! I’m ready, you can show me pictures of eligible guys now! But instead, the process was way upto speed for them. For me too, the gravity of that innocent little
conversation while doing the dishes grew larger and larger every day. Parents could be heard speaking to each other in hushed voices late at night. The days became awkward. Sometimes, the air around the house was positive. At other times, I was secretly wishing the day I return back to normal life away from home comes sooner. Once I did come back to my own little world, I tried to avoid conversation on this topic over the phone as much as I could. I din’t like it a bit. Still don’t.
I wish stuff would just happen and I can fast forward to all this being over soon. I guess I’m supposed to be more excited about getting married, and the truth is, I am. Just not about how we do it, on what day or what I might be wearing. I just want to time travel to a day when it’s done. I really don’t want to dress up. Not because I know I’ll make an aweful looking bride (red lehenga yukkkk), but also because what’s the point of all that really?! I am seriously more scared about the manifestation of the wedding day than the actual wedding.
For a long time, I wasn’t sure if I’m ready to get married yet, because thinking about a wedding, automatically brings this image in my mind, of me in a bulky red outfit, wearing gold (another big yukkk for me) and staying up for probably the longest night of my life. This isn’t a pretty picture for sure and I don’t really want to see it happening in reality.
This thought lead me to believe that perhaps I’m scared of tying the knot. Perhaps I’m not ready yet. Perhaps I said yes only because everybody else wants this from me. And yet, I was the one telling my parents. Why did I do that? I could have easily delayed the whole thing for sometime. The fact that I dint, suggests I might be ready.
Truth is, I love him. And the commitment doesn’t scare me a bit, instead the idea of being with him rests in my mind so naturally, so peacefully that there’s no doubt it is what I want. So, I figured out what the problem is. I just don’t wanna get married the long and traditional way. I want it to be short and sweet and one where I’m not supposed to dress up like a stupid stinking showpiece. I want it to be extremely simple, as much as it is possible without our parents disowning us and being angry with me for the rest of our lives. But I guess, I can’t get it both ways. There’s seems to be no clear boundaries when it comes to Indian weddings. So many customs and so much drama. And however we do it, in front of 10 people or 100, I can’t see how I’m going to escape the whole bride baggage for that one day. Still, smaller the crowd & shorter the whole affair, lesser is my misery.
Ughhh! I think I’m headed for an entirely aweful night, instead of the best one that it is projected as. If I have to do it, I will think of it as a compromise. For the other side of that one day, we get to return back here in the normal world and start a life together.